I think I damaged my brain. Sorry, let me say that again in Transformer lingo: “My circuits have been shorted!” Remember when Transformers was a cartoon full of bad robotic and car puns? Michael Bay doesn’t. I can’t tell exactly what he’s doing, so here’s my best shot:

Pink Floyd helped NASA fake the moon landing for publicity, an act which Shia LaBeouf would need to imitate in order to land a job, despite his resume as “that kid who was there when giant robots saved the world.” The Decepticons, big fans of Pink Floyd, are chilling on the moon and waiting for the comeback tour so they can finally turn on their teleportation device and move their interstellar spaceships the last few feet to Earth for an invasion. The Autobots are spending their free time saving humanity by blowing up the parts of humanity that don’t agree with the parts they happened to align with, while Megatron develops a secret “bro-mance” with Optimus Prime that prevents him from actually using the invasion force that has been stashed there for who-knows-how-long. Patrick Dempsey has sold his soul to the Decepticon Overlords in order to work for a demonic robot Pterodactyl in an effort to replace Tom Cruise as the most attractive crazy man on Earth. Megan Fox is now blonde and from another country (or has been replaced by an equally useless heroine; hard to tell, hard to care). Humans are training to be as cool as giant robots, learning to fly to compensate for an inability to do needless flips and spins while fighting. Most of the world is flammable and downright explosive. And last but not least: even the end of the world can’t get Ken Jeong to play a new role, but Alan Tudyk is still the man.

In short: few things in this movie work well, if at all. There are plot holes large enough to drive a deluxe Optimus-Prime-complete-with-trailer through and Bay goes the X3: The Last Stand route by throwing in a bunch of cool characters with no adequate back story in an effort to show us how cool they are. The first half of the movie is failed characterization of the humans which becomes irrelevant as more and more giant robots start blowing things up, including an attempt to make us embrace Sam’s new girlfriend Carly (Rosie Huntington-Whiteley). She is introduced to us pant-less and from underneath and proceeds to actually lose class and character from there on until contributing her one big effort to the fight: a pep talk on being evil to a moping Megatron. I wish I was kidding! The only thing that could out-do that would be if X-Men: First Class featured Dr. Phil helping an ambitionless Magneto learn to harbor grudges. This franchise is in desperate need of characters that are at least in some ways believable (something it’s lacked since Jon Voight disappeared). Everyone feels like a bunch of zany quirks held together by attractiveness and it makes one wonder if all of the energy floating around hasn’t scrambled everyone’s brains. The only thing left is a very un-subtle need to develop patriotic motifs that culminates in a George W-esque speech in front of a waving American flag at the end of the film. Oh, and Leonard Nemoy’s ability to reference Star Trek: The Wrath of Kahn, despite being an alien robot-being.

It’s customary for me to say nice things at the end of a review, so I’ll try really hard. The action sequences, to no one’s surprise, are pretty cool. But three hours of explosions seemed a little excessive. Cars are cool. Especially when they drive really fast and turn into giant robots. Military guys are also cool and they can now fly, kind of. If not for Alan Tudyk’s entertaining turn as a hacker/retired badass with an implacable accent and a bunch of good friends to mock the film as it happened, I would declare this a total bust. I hope it syncs up with the Wizard of Oz. Otherwise it’s worthless. Either way, I’m pretending the franchise ended with the first film.

For wasting three hours and $4.00 on tired and sloppy writing, I give Transformers: Dark of the Moon a 3 out of 10.

We at Truth On Cinema thought it would be good to give you a little insight into how we rate films and what the number ratings mean:

0- Complete waste of time and money. Only reason to buy a ticket or a DVD of this is to burn it so no one else can see it.
1- This movie flat out shouldn’t have been made, but since it’s here, we’ll have to deal with it for a week or two before it leaves theaters.
2- If you can enjoy bad movies, this one might be worth a risk. But bring a lot of candy and some sarcastic friends.
3- Maybe someday this will be a best-seller as a Mystery Science Theater 3000 special. It’s tolerable enough to mock through its entirety.
4- Maybe it’s worth it if you’re really into this sort of thing. Probably not. But Io hear the DVD makes a great $10 coaster.
5- Meh. See it. Don’t see it. It’s a movie. It exists.
6- If you like the genre, see it. If you need something to do, see it. If someone else buys your ticket, definitely see it. If not, Redbox might be ok.
7- Probably worth a once-over in theaters, maybe not worth owning. Rent it if you’re patient, see it if you aren’t.
8- Definitely worth the trip to theaters. Even worth full price if you can’t do a matinee. It’s fun and a little bit fresh and creative.
9- You want to see this before it’s out of theaters and yo will probably own it on DVD. Maybe you’ll even go back to see it again.
10- Your life is not complete without this film. It’s incredibly original and the moment it’s over you NEED to see it again. You might pick up an extra shift at work to pay for more movie tickets.

I really enjoyed October Sky (the book and the movie). It was a film set in a time where kids could run around doing whatever they wanted, engaging their own creativity as they went. The world was their oyster and whatever they wanted to do or see, they created it. That is what Super 8 is to me: a world where cinematic wonder is captured through the eyes of kids. I wonder what life would be like if kids did that now, instead of playing with iPhones? I also wonder why I’m already griping about “kids these days” at the age of 20. Then I remember that I just watched a film about kids making a high-quality movie—about zombies no less—in the year 1979. Also, there was a massive alien. I don’t know why.

In all honesty, this movie would have worked without a government conspiracy and a 30-foot alien creature that resembles a Machamp crossbred with a Venus flytrap. In fact, it just made it better. As “scary” movies go, this one won’t terrify you. You might jump a few times or get a little nervous, but you won’t find yourself checking dark corners for monsters. I personally like that. I don’t understand why people want to see movies that make us even more terrified than we already naturally are. Isn’t the condition of the world enough? We’re two paragraphs into the review and I’ve already gone on two morality rants. Apologies. Back to the film.

Child actors are sometimes a bust or sometimes pure gold, and I think everyone of these kids was solid. Their voices might squeak a little and they might overact, but really nothing sets off the “obnoxious” bell here. These kids have chemistry that works on screen, and they are written to be quirky and lovable yet totally believable, which is both impressive and endearing. The adults in the film are almost completely ancillary, and the film is as much a story about the joy, innocence, and energy of youth as a story like this can be. Side note: why is Noah Emmerich always a crazy person bent on one thing? And why does he keep showing up in random places all over my television?

I guess it’s time to talk about the 800lb. monster in the room. It seems appropriate, because you really don’t see the thing until the last quarter of the movie. Some people complain about this, I think it’s a nice touch. The Super 8 alien reads as a great metaphor for our human fear of the unknown. We fear what we don’t understand and we sometimes overreact to the fear without gathering information first. I don’t want to ruin the little twists and turns—nothing major, but a few enjoyable little details—so we’ll leave it at this: Super 8 is a beautiful intertwining of several complex stories. You can either wade in the good, old-fashioned monster-movieness of it or you can dive in and explore the time and effort that was put into crafting this little town and its cast of characters (Super 8 did come with its own viral campaign, which is less necessary to follow than Cloverfield’s for full enjoyment, but rumor is that it helps). Also, stick around to watch the kid’s finished zombie movie during the credits. It may be the best part of the film.

For a potent and possibly dangerous combination of nostalgia and the power of mystique, I give Super 8 a (super) 8 out of 10.

Review Written By: Steven Jones

If I told you that there was a film about a super hero whose power was a glowing piece of bling and whose sworn duty was to protect the universe from a sentient cloud of fear-induced space diarrhea, you might think that movie would be pretty awful. But Green Lantern shines through despite its relatively low selling points. For a movie about a hero that only die-hard fans really care about, I expect this one to go over pretty well.

Hal Jordan (Ryan Reynolds) is not the most dynamic character in history. He’s your cookie-cutter skilled-military-guy-with-a-shattered-past-and-his-hands-on-some-sweet-new-tricks. (Check the archives; I think that’s my record for most words connected by a hyphen.) At any rate, Jordan is not the most compelling story. There’s no real redemption and he’s not quite the same level of snarky as Tony Stark. But Reynolds, who I’ve always liked, does an admirable job of making us care about him. From the film’s triumphant opening dogfight against the military’s new AI super jets to the intense training on the Green Lantern Corps’ homeworld of Oa (yes, non-nerds, there is an entire Corps of Green Lanterns), we get to see Hal trade clever enough dialogue and do interesting enough things. But the film misses out on chances to shine.

Why is the idea of humans being replaced by machines, although clichéd, not explored? Why does the training sequence on Oa only last about ten minutes, long enough for one flying sequence and a few quick skirmishes between Lanterns? And why did we throw away Hector Hammond’s (Peter Sarsgaard, who I wish we’d seen do more) potential to be anything other than a bridge from training to fighting space-diarrhea? Ok, let me clarify this now: The central villain, Parallax (holding back an ex-lax joke), is a being that absorbs and sustains itself on fear. You’d think they’d have taken some of the CG budget away from changing Reynolds’ eye color and projecting a suit onto him and made their villain look a little less like… alright, I’m done with low-brow comedy. Does anyone wonder why a villain whose sole power is to devour you once you’re afraid of him is actually scary? It’s like a defeated paradox… he can only eat you if you’re scared and you really shouldn’t be scared if you know that.

Let me spend the last paragraph of this review stitching together all the pieces I just tore apart. Green Lantern is solid. Not great, but solid. The idea of a guy who can create anything he can see in his mind and sustain it with sheer will power is pretty sweet. For those of us who knock GL for not really having a super-power, let me just throw this out there: what is Harry Potter without a wand? Not much. Why do we love the world of Harry Potter? Because it’s fantastic enough to dare us to dream and separated from us by barely anything at all. Given the choice right now, I’d love to carry a Green Lantern ring. There are a lot of moments where we are just in awe of the creativity on display visually in the film, and the action is top-notch. Fans of the series will also get a little reward if they stick around long enough into the credits (don’t bother staying all the way to the end though).

Overall, for shining some creative light on an otherwise bland plot, I give Green Lantern a 7 out of 10

Review Written by: Steven Jones

The rule of thumb is that sequels are never as good as the original. I don’t care what you say, Night at the Museum 2 was not as good as the first, nor was Jurassic Park II. And I’ll go ahead and jump into a boiling pot with this one: Empire Strikes Back was definitely not the best Star Wars film. Regardless of how you feel about that one, the point still stands: sequels aren’t as good…Except for Kung Fu Panda 2, which will knock that point on its butt and require some new thumbs to go with the rules.

We pick up not too far from where we left Po and the Furious Five and are treated to our first glimpse of them working together as a powerhouse team now that Po has fully embraced his role as the Dragon Warrior. It sounds silly, but the fights are wonderfully choreographed and stretch the limits of the imagination. At one point, Viper constricts an enemy and controls him like a puppet. That’s cool. And cool is something this movie uses with great relish and to great effect.

Kung Fu Panda is not about being cool. If it was, it wouldn’t be about an overweight Panda martial artist who clearly feels no shame and isn’t bright enough to figure out that a duck is not his real father. But there’s enough cool mixed in to keep us from shutting down all but our humor detectors. It blends marvelously with the offbeat humor that Kung Fu Panda has always harnessed well and a new element of drama and plot that we honestly never saw coming. The characters are deep and rich; we explore Po’s past and touch on Tigress’s issues. We see the “inner peace” of Master Shifu as he finally recovers from the events of the first film. And some of these moments are heavy. Almost too heavy for an animated film. But they are immediately followed by Po trying to do something he simply cannot do and we forget the pain and laugh once more.

It’s been about a year since an animated film made me want to both laugh and cry within the same stretch of time, but Kung Fu Panda 2 did it. There’s something for everyone here: comedy, kung fu, a few little historical moments of zen, and the kind of character development that is frankly lacking from movies nowadays.

For mastering the Art of Awesome, I give Kung Fu Panda 2 a 9 out of 10.

Written by: Steven Jones